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Coping with Death, Helping One Who Grieves
Healing Takes Time, Patience, and a Willing Ear
For a printable version of this release, please click here.
November 1998 - With the agonizing death of a mate, falls a darkness of grief. How do you provide encouragement and confidence to someone who has lost a loved one? How do you create compassionate, connective support that brings hope and courage to the darkest moments, and lights a path to a renewed life? How do you help them survive to brighter days? What do you do? What do you say?
Marta Felber, expert therapist on coping with grief and loss, and author of the Ben Franklin Award finalist book, Grief Expressed, provides valuable advice to those who want to help a person who has lost a mate.
Don't say, "It will get better" to someone who has lost a loved one, advises Marta Felber. The grieving person needs to understand how they can live through TODAY. Instead, say something like, "It must be so difficult for you. Tell me." Let them talk. Then really listen. Really, really listen.
Don't say, "Call me if there is anything I can do." After a recent loss, people in grief are in shock and can't focus on what they need to do. Offer specific, practical ways you can help, and when. Then be there and continue to offer a helping hand.
Don't say, "I know how you feel." The grieving person may scream back at you, "No, you don't! No one knows how awful I feel." Instead, convey understanding by saying, "I don't know how you feel, but I care and want you to tell me."
You must listen, yes, just listen. The bereaved person wants to talk about their loved one who died. They may want to relate the circumstances leading to the death, over and over, and the day itself. They may want to recall happy memories.
Share your happy memories. Say, "I remember when..." Allow the person to cry, and touch them as they do. Let them feel the pain; let your touch help them let go of the pain.
Give the best gift - yourself. A grieving friend needs you most when reality hits for them, even months after the death. Be there, in a sustained way, as they put together the pieces of their new life without their loved one. Help them get involved in activities that open up the road to the future.
Marta Felber leads the bereaved in their journey through grief to survival, step by step, in her book, Grief Expressed. Kay Winters, also an author, writes, "This book encourages the reader to record fears, concerns, despairs, hopes, longings and memories. The survivor begins to see there are choices. And by the very process of thinking one's way through the stages of grief, acknowledging the feelings and recording the experience, the book provides a stairway from the dark of despair to the light of new beginnings."
Grief Expressed: When a Mate Dies
ISBN 0-9653967-4-6 Regular Edition $19.95
ISBN 0-9653967-3-8 Deluxe Gift Edition $24.95
Available at bookstores
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Also available on-line at http://www.SPANnet.org/lifewords/
LifeWords
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LifeWords@SPANnet.org
http://www.SPANnet.org/lifewords/
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